If They Merged: Halliburton and AIG
LOS ANGELES – Today I present a new feature here on B.L.O.G., called If They Merged. It is a tribute, homage, or some may say a direct ripoff of the Late Night with Conan O’Brien regular bit-hit, If They Mated (which, as far as I have seen, has yet to premiere on the new Tonight Show. Watch for a huge response from the audience when it does make its return). Here’s how the new bit would start off:
HOST: These are difficult economic times. Everyone is under a tremendous amount of financial stress. Not only individuals, but businesses too are feeling the pinch. We here at [POPULAR LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW] are here to help, to do our part. We’ve used the vast resources of our parent company to construct a machine that scours the business landscape for likely merger candidates. We’ve been calling it the MergerTron.
SIDEKICK: Sort of a Match Dot Com, only for businesses.
HOST: That’s right. EXACTLY like a Match Dot Com for business. It’s also very similar to our If They Mated technology. We find the most likely partners, those that could receive the most benefit from pooling their resources, and CRASH them together with the MergerTron. Just like the graphic, which cost a whopping $5. The graphic reminds us that we tried a test merger with Fiat and Chrysler, with mixed results. Thankfully, they were able to right that ship and sail on, hopefully to calmer waters. Things are going fine with them so far.
Let’s get started. Here are some potential candidates for the new and improved MergerTron.
HOST: Everyone knows the huge company, Halliburton. The large energy company, used to be headed by Dick Cheney; you know the company. Their slogan is Solutions For Today’s Energy Challenges. Well, they’re not really in any trouble, but we have another company in mind which we think would make a beneficial pairing. Sort of a win-win.
HOST: That’s right. Controversial insurance giant and recipient of government bailout money, AIG. Their slogan– and this is not made up (I swear): Moving Forward, Protecting Customers, Repaying Taxpayers. Really, it’s on their website. The new company? What did the MergerTron spit out?
HOST: Presenting the new company, HAIG. Today’s Solution For Challenging Movements. See? It really works. I’m not sure what the new slogan means, but there’s that picture from 1981 where Al Haig announces “I’m in control here” after the Reagan assassination attempt. It was the latest picture we could find. [singing:] Nothing is as funny as a 30-year-old reference.
Okay, for our next pairing, we…
Credits: The Alexander Haig photo from his “I’m in control here” press conference is from the Reagan Archives at The University of Texas. Conan picture is an NBC Photo by Paul Drinkwater.
