MARTIGNY, SWITZERLAND – Lance Armstrong made a very important announcement (via his Twitter feed Tuesday) announcing a very cool announcement to come:

Making a very cool announcement on Thursday re: a new American partner for our team in 2010 (and beyond). Stay tuned!
10:34 AM Jul 21st from UberTwitter

Yes, this is yet another post about bike racing and The Tour de France. There’s no use trying to hide it (though I did try with my previous moon landing/Ventoux misdirection post). You’re just too smart. I just think this news is too big to ignore, not just for the sport but for the pop culture and economic implications. The “new American partner” announcement later today will certainly not only be good for whichever partner chooses to participate, but it could also be a leading indicator of an overall comeback for our economy as a whole. Lance could very well pedal us back into contention as a market force.

Why a new team now? What’s wrong with the current team? A brief background.
Lance Armstrong is currently riding for Team Astana. It is sponsored by the Astana group, a coalition of state-owned companies from Kazakhstan and named after its capital city Astana. Yes, the fictional character Borat is from Kazakhstan, a fact not lost on some tour fans who had fun with the team around the premiere of the film. The teams’ director is Johan Bruyneel, who also directed Discovery and US Postal. Lance won his seven Tour victories on these two teams. Kazakh rider Alexander Vinokourov, for whom the team was founded, has stated his intent to return to the team as early as July 24 when his license is reinstated following a two year ban for doping. Vino is perhaps most recognizable for sporting a helmet which appears to be one size too small, and which sits too far back on his head (almost like a giant plastic yarmulke), as so many clueless recreational cyclists might wear theirs. On July 2, he said, “If Bruyneel does not want me, it will be Bruyneel who is leaving the team.” July 21: Bruyneel apparently does not want him, and announced he will in fact be leaving the team.

Speculation has mounted as to which partner Lance is referring, hinting, even teasing. Might it be a company that has dropped in market share, seemingly retired from competition, but is looking to ride Armstrong’s wake back into prominence and good fortune?

Motorola has already had a team once (and Lance was on it), but apparently decided it wasn’t for them. Could they have had a change of heart? Apple’s iPhone, Nokia, the Blackberry have certainly leaped ahead in their respective Q quotients. This could be Motorola’s chance to stage a launch of a game-changing smart phone.

What about a healthy company that just needs some feel-good press? What about Apple? A Chinese worker for Foxconn, an Apple supplier, committed suicide recently after he lost an iPhone 4G prototype he was in charge of. I would much rather read about iPod Touch devices apped-up with maps, GPS, power meters, speedometers, etc. on the handlebars of team riders. Might be interesting, but I’m not sure how much Apple would stand to gain from such a partnership. Unless you figure in the cancer and comeback by Steve Jobs. A Livestrong connection. Yellow Livestrong iPhones, iPods, Macbooks, etc. There’s even a Livestrong Calorie Tracker iPhone app. We could expect mayhem in the feed zones as riders start calorie counting while racing.

Livestrong will most certainly play a key role in the new team. Although Lance told Juliet Macur and other reporters that “he would neither finance nor run the team — only ride on it.” Perhaps a Livestrong subtitle would be Lance’s payment. He isn’t taking a salary this year, and is openly using his fame and return to the sport as an opportunity to meet with and influence cancer policy decision makers throughout the world. I would expect the new team to be a hyphenated one: Motorola-Livestrong, Apple-Livestrong, or Lance-Livestrong.

Yes, that’s right. I’m talking about Lance, Inc., maker of America’s favorite sandwich crackers. Lance, Inc. wants us to know that it’s safe to enjoy their sandwich crackers because they’re “NOT involved with the peanut butter recall.” They could have a “Find The Golden Wafer” contest, which could serve as a golden ticket to the finals in Paris next year. It’s hard to hide a golden wafer in clear wrapping material however. I do wish they would return to their great logo from before. The new one is lifeless and boring.

Perhaps the most logical American partner might be Nike. They already have a partnership with Livestrong, and the transition would be natural. Nike-Livestrong Professional Cycling Team.

There are other possible candidates, perhaps hundreds of them. Wal-Mart is doing well, despite the recession (or perhaps because of it). Costco is another big box retailer that might benefit from some international exposure. A possible big fly in the ointment for both is their sales of $79.99 bikes with one-piece cranks and 50-lb. full suspension, solid steel frames. Not exactly sporting.

In February, Time magazine had a piece that listed ten American companies that won’t be laying off any (more) workers. This might be a good list to scour for potential partners. The list includes Cisco, Visa, Apple, Apollo (an education company whose holdings include the University of Phoenix), Altria (parent company to Phillip Morris USA – a likely deal breaker given the whole Livestrong thing, eh?), Google, Colgate, Verizon (“can you hear me now?”), and, get this: Amgen. According to Time, Amgen “is still growing rapidly unlike most Big Pharma companies”. The article goes on to talk about other big impressive research and sales figures.

Yes, Amgen makes perfect sense. Amgen already sponsors The Amgen Tour of California, a hugely successful stage race here in the US. From the “double-edge sword” department, however, is this: Amgen manufactures a synthetic form of the hormone epoetin (EPO), called Epogen. EPO stimulates the formation of oxygen-rich red blood cells in bone marrow, and the synthetic Epogen was developed to treat anemia from the associated chronic kidney disease in humans. It is also used to treat cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy and radiation treatments by boosting the hematocrit (percentage of total blood volume comprising mature red blood cells) in patients. Lance’s oncologists gave him Epogen to boost his hematocrit, which was in no small part an important component of his remarkable recovery. All good so far. What’s the other edge of the sword? It is also sometimes used illegally by endurance athletes, including some cyclists, as a performance-enhancing drug. More red blood cells equals greater performance and recovery.

Team Amgen Presented by Livestrong. Or, Team Amgen-Nike Presented by Livestrong. Wait, he did say “a new American partner”, didn’t he? Okay, Team Amgen Presented by Livestrong it is. That’s the strongest possibility in my view. Or the Lance Sandwich Crackers Cycling Team. I can’t decide.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 23rd, 2009 at 7:50 am and is filed under Bicycles, General, Graphic Design, Parody. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.