Archive for the ‘Parody’ Category

Lance’s New Team: The Shaq?

Sunday, August 9th, 2009

the-shaq

paragraph-spacer3NEW YORK and SAN FRANCISCO – The company formerly known as Radio Shack have, for now at least, changed their name to The Shack. Actually, it’s not an official name change but a marketing move by RS’s agency to make it “more friendly and approachable” (and will only be used in the short term), according the the agency Executive Creative Director. Now, I don’t regard The Shack as particularly un-friendly or stand-off-ish, but that doesn’t matter as I did somehow figure out a way to tie in the news with bicycle racing — and offer a sure-fire way to promote the team as well. But more on that shortly. I know… you’ve already seen the picture and I’m burying the lead. First, some very short background material.

lance-newteam-main-titleFamed cancer survivor, bicycle racing legend and comeback hero, Lance Armstrong, announced during the final week of Le Tour de France that he would be moving to a new team starting next year. He Promo-Tweeted that the announcement would come within days. I took that opportunity to take my best shot at what that new team would be. My guess? The Nike/Apple/Amgen Professional Cycling Team, Presented by Lance Cracker Cookies (or is that cookie crackers?). No matter. I was dead wrong. Most people were guessing that Livestrong partner, Nike, would step up to the sponsorship plate and create a team around their marketing-and-manufacturing partner.

radioshack-main-titleThe new team, it was announced, would be Radio Shack. Radio Shack. The battery store. Or more precisely, the give your phone number in order to buy a battery store. Oookay. Who knew that Radio Shack was in such good shape as to be able to afford the estimated $15M to $25M budget of a professional cycling team sponsorship?

netogetherThe tour ended, and Lance got an impressive third place finish. So how would Radio Shack keep the energy flowing? What would they do to keep their name in the limelight? The answer? A “hip”, new (if temporary) name change to The Shack, together with a viral interweb marketing event to be held in public plazas in New York and San Francisco. The Shack Summer “Netogether”. I really hope that our language doesn’t adopt “netogether” as a real word. Huge screens, setup to look like giant laptops, were placed in both cities and participants were encouraged to interact with each other, most of whom were otherwise complete strangers. Actually better than real life, come to think of it. Alas, I arrived at the party a bit too late, as evidenced by the blank twin screens on my screenshot of the event. The party was still going on in the form of flash-driven IMs to the world. Hello? Is there anybody out there?

I think The Shack, or Radio Shack (or whatever the company becomes after this promotion) should tap an NBA legend, a certain Shaquille O’Neal, to help broaden the appeal of bicycle racing in this country. Shaq could use the off-season busy work. The whole enterprise should only double the annual budget of the team. Shaq is a rider, having at least one custom frame by Cannondale for his 7′1″, 305-pound frame. Both Shaq and Lance know and love the Twitter (not a euphamism). As a matter of fact, in May Shaq challenged Lance to a bike race, via a short Twitter exchange (this is not made up… I swear):

@lancearmstrong this is shaq, I challenge u to a race anytime any place, its time someone challenged u, call perry rogers for details its on
10:06 AM May 25th from TweetGenius in reply to lancearmstrong

Armstrong Tweeted back, using a Talladega Nights reference (which even most white people wouldn’t understand), accepting Shaq’s challenge at least in the abstract. That was the end of May. Then there was training, The Tour, The (other) Shack commotion, and then came another shot across the bow from Shaq:

@lancearmstrong ok, yer done wit da tour. i wanna challenge u. last wk aug, 1st wk sept? dm me, good buddy
12:23 PM Aug 3rd from web

And this:

time 2 rally da twittereans. help me convince @lancearmstrong 2 take on my challenge. RT RT RT #ShaqVsLance
10:02 AM Aug 5th from web

That could be the next “Netogether” (hmm… I guess I will use it, but only in this post). Keep it going for Radio Shack. Get Shaq on his bike. Raise awareness for Livestrong. Win-win-win. A bicycle and slam-dunk multi-sport race, featuring Shaq and Lance. Like a triathlon, only not. RS could bring back those free battery punch cards, even do a whole temporary brand make-over, using retro graphics… shhh… during which time they could quietly take the new logo (if a 1995 logo can still be new) out back somewhere and SHOOT IT.

shaq-battery-and-card

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Shatner Does Palin

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

paragraph-spacer3UNIVERSAL CITY – From Monday’s Tonight Show, a funny take on Palin’s farewell speech.

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Posted in Late night TV Comedy, Parody, Politics | 3 Comments »

Party on Ventoux!

Saturday, July 25th, 2009

ventoux

paragraph-spacer3 ON THE SLOPES OF MONT VENTOUX, PROVENCE, FRANCE – My Man from B.L.O.G. (avatar/cybernaut) caught a quick ride up Mont Ventoux in the new Team Radio Shack team support car prototype (mentioned in the last post) with Johan Bruyneel behind the virtual wheel. Late at night and the party is on! 500,000 people are expected on the slopes of The Giant of Provence for the most difficult penultimate stage in Tour de France history. Later today, July 25, 2009.

I can see that some of my new friends from recent posts are here: Arlen Spector-Specter, Ahmadinejad, Vino, The Three Amigos, the Odd Little Man from the Picky Part, The Usual Suspects, Kim Jung-Il, Farrah Fawcett, and– oh! There’s the Psycho House from the Conan bumper pitch I did. And the Tour Devil is making his first appearance here, taunting me. There’s one more character from the recent past, hidden like Waldo. Can you find the character? Hint: it may not be a person.

No matter the outcome of today’s race, it will be a memorable one! Gale force winds on the slopes, according to Phil Liggett’s Twitter this morning.

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Posted in Bicycles, Cars, Parody, The Man from B.L.O.G. | 1 Comment »

Lance’s New Team: It’s Official

Friday, July 24th, 2009

radioshack-main-title

paragraph-spacer3ANNECY, FRANCE – Well, my guesses were wildly off the mark. Lance Armstrong announced Thursday that his new team starting next year will be none other than electronics retailer, “What’s your phone number?” Radio Shack. The announcement probably came minutes after I posted the previous post, declaring my best guess for the new team as Amgen (Livestrong/Nike/Apple). Hey, I thought I had all my bases covered: radioshack-logos2I did some last-minute checking of Lance’s Twitter feed, searched the web, looked under rocks, but what can I say. That’s the secret announcement business. I whipped up the support car above (not quite big enough for a team car), using a French Citroen Picasso as my base. Of course, I hope they will go with the old (pre-’95) logo as shown on the car, instead of the deadly-dull current version. The old one has much more personality. I used the red for Radio Shack and the yellow-gold for Livestrong, although those colors are typically reserved for Spanish teams it seems. Expect the actual team cars, jerseys, etc. to use red, white, and blue and the current logo, dull or not.

Juliet Macur of the New York Times has excellent coverage of the happening, as usual. As Juliet points out, the team has set up a Twitter feed, Facebook page, and website. Lance moved up to third overall after Thursday’s time trial. Alberto Contador won the stage and of course retains the yellow jersey. Expect some breakaways on Friday, but probably no significant changes in the overall rankings until Saturday’s Ventoux stage (that’s the one from my previous post where my avatar/cybernaut Man from B.L.O.G. is dressed in full moon gear because of the moon-like landscape there). I have to go now to crush a certain Amgen support vehicle mockup, unless I can hook up with a towing-auto parts dismantling-indifferent police detective conspiracy ring and turn a tidy profit.

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Lance’s New Team: The Contenders

Thursday, July 23rd, 2009

lance-newteam-main-title

paragraph-spacer3MARTIGNY, SWITZERLAND – Lance Armstrong made a very important announcement (via his Twitter feed Tuesday) announcing a very cool announcement to come:

Making a very cool announcement on Thursday re: a new American partner for our team in 2010 (and beyond). Stay tuned!
10:34 AM Jul 21st from UberTwitter

Yes, this is yet another post about bike racing and The Tour de France. There’s no use trying to hide it (though I did try with my previous moon landing/Ventoux misdirection post). You’re just too smart. I just think this news is too big to ignore, not just for the sport but for the pop culture and economic implications. The “new American partner” announcement later today will certainly not only be good for whichever partner chooses to participate, but it could also be a leading indicator of an overall comeback for our economy as a whole. Lance could very well pedal us back into contention as a market force.

Why a new team now? What’s wrong with the current team? A brief background.
lance-astana-vinoLance Armstrong is currently riding for Team Astana. It is sponsored by the Astana group, a coalition of state-owned companies from Kazakhstan and named after its capital city Astana. Yes, the fictional character Borat is from Kazakhstan, a fact not lost on some tour fans who had fun with the team around the premiere of the film. The teams’ director is Johan Bruyneel, who also directed Discovery and US Postal. Lance won his seven Tour victories on these two teams. Kazakh rider Alexander Vinokourov, for whom the team was founded, has stated his intent to return to the team as early as July 24 when his license is reinstated following a two year ban for doping. Vino is perhaps most recognizable for sporting a helmet which appears to be one size too small, and which sits too far back on his head (almost like a giant plastic yarmulke), as so many clueless recreational cyclists might wear theirs. On July 2, he said, “If Bruyneel does not want me, it will be Bruyneel who is leaving the team.” July 21: Bruyneel apparently does not want him, and announced he will in fact be leaving the team.

Speculation has mounted as to which partner Lance is referring, hinting, even teasing. Might it be a company that has dropped in market share, seemingly retired from competition, but is looking to ride Armstrong’s wake back into prominence and good fortune?

(more…)

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“Magnificent Desolation”

Monday, July 20th, 2009

moon-ventoux

paragraph-spacer3LOS ANGELES – It was 40 years ago today that Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed and first set foot on the moon. Michael Collins remained in the Command Module in orbit above the moon. Today I am feeling a little like Michael Collins. I will remain here in the US as Le Tour de France makes its way up the moon-like landscape of Mont Ventoux in the Alps next Saturday, July 25. It is considered a beyond category climb, and it comes at the finish of the stage, which happens to be the day before the usually ceremonial finish in Paris. Never in the history of the tour has there been such a stage at such a late point in the race. I had planned to go, but work schedules and deadlines have conspired against me once again.

moon-launch

Besides the spectacular scenery, both the moon landing and Ventoux have something else in common. They both feature key players named Armstrong. Although after yesterday’s stage finish in the Alps, Alberto Contador appears to have cemented his leadership role on team Astana. They have their answer: Contador is by far the strongest rider on the team. Lance and the other team members will ride in support of him, and perhaps even go for all three podium positions (Lance and Andreas Kloden would vie for spots two and three). But it would be a great thing to witness Armstrong perform strongly on Ventoux, and perhaps even win the stage. This could happen if it doesn’t threaten Contador’s lead especially. It will be exciting to watch live on TV, and at least I’ll be able to see the entire stage.

moon-flatpanel

The space program has made many contributions to society for the benefit of all mankind. Besides carbon fiber (and other benefits to cycling), there are cordless appliances, improved safety equipment, and specialized manufacturing methods, among many others. And, if the graphic above is to be trusted, the idea for today’s flat panel TV monitors.

The definition of sport has been watered down recently: hot dog eating contests, spelling bees, golf. Watch real men in lycra battle it out in the world’s toughest athletic competition, continuing tomorrow (today is a rest day) through this Sunday. You will shoot yourself if you don’t watch at least the mountain stages, especially Saturday’s Ventoux finish. Check your local listings for the Versus TV channel (formerly Outdoor Life Network).

Credits: The title Magnificent Desolation comes from words used by Buzz Aldrin to describe the moonscape. It is also the title of his new book. (Top) The original astronaut picture is a NASA photo of Buzz Aldrin, taken by Neil Armstrong. The original Mont Ventoux background image is from this Dutch cycling team site. (Middle) Former President Lyndon B. Johnson, Vice President Spiro Agnew, and special guest view the liftoff of Apollo 11 from pad 39A at Kennedy Space Center at 9:32 am EDT on July 16, 1969. (Bottom) President Richard M. Nixon was in the central Pacific recovery area to welcome the Apollo 11 astronauts aboard the U.S.S. Hornet, prime recovery ship for the historic Apollo 11 lunar landing mission. Already confined to the Mobile Quarantine Facility (MQF) are (left to right) Neil A. Armstrong, commander; Michael Collins, command module pilot; and Edwin E. Aldrin Jr., lunar module pilot.

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Posted in Bicycles, General, Parody, Politics, The Man from B.L.O.G. | 1 Comment »

Karl Malden – Epilogue at the Staples

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

karl-malden

paragraph-spacer3LOS ANGELES – It’s a tragedy when a youngish man dies in his prime. When an old man dies, people take it in stride. “He was old,” they say.

Karl Malden was old. He was 97 years of age when he succumbed to natural causes at his home in the Brentwood section of Los Angeles on July 1. And yet, just because he was old, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve some kind of public send-off. A memorial service, full of celebrity friends and family members.

karlmalden-pattonI decided to send my avatar-cybernaut, The Man From B.L.O.G., to scout some possible locations. And, with the current economic situation such as it is, it’s important to secure some sort of corporate funding. After all, a goodbye soireé of the kind Mr. Malden deserves will not be cheap. I could go the route of the LA City Council and party first, then ask for donations. On second thought, maybe that’s not such a good idea. I have some sponsorship ideas. But first things first.

The Los Angeles Department of Transportation (LADOT) requires adequate parking and traffic flow in order to issue the required permit. We thought it best to run a scenario on Google Maps Street View with the GE ForwardThinker plugin. This handy little setup allows us to previsualize (much better than actual visualization) certain scenarios based on time of day, projected panhandling density, street cleaning schedules and other traffic flow, etc.

karlmalden-sosfThe Staples company would surely be game to host another memorial event at one of their facilities. With the fabulous Michael Jackson service at The Staples Center still fresh in my mind, I ran the numbers on a similar (though much smaller scale) event at their art deco store in the Hair District of Miracle Mile. Right here in the neighborhood. I know that a popular event held every evening here at this Staples is the Avoid The Staples Ingress/Egress Traffic game, played by Jewish grade school students as they ride home from the academy on their bikes.

karl-malden-fedoraNext, I had the crack scenic dept. over at CBS create a giant fedora, more or less of the kind Mr. Malden was known to sport. They used construction-grade vapor-lock material. It fit perfectly (at least virtually) on top of the flying saucer portion of Staples. I’m looking into a way to make it glow at night for the week it’s supposed to be up there. A row of huge bus stop posters of Mr. Malden from his Streets of San Francisco days, mounted side by side along the Wilshire Blvd. side of the store, finished off the look.

The American Express company agreed (again, virtually) to provide a San Francisco-style Hot Pretzel cart in the parking lot, located at the rear of the store. If you want a free pretzel, all you have to do is say “I left home without them” and those little magic words will work their charm. They will also give you a credit application for a gold card with a pre-denied stamp right on the form. Just write through the red stamp ink. Amex and Mr. Malden go way back, to a time in the mid 70’s when he began what would become a hugely successful series of TV ads for their travelers cheques. They started off, “Do you know who I am?”, and ended with “Don’t let a thief spoil your vacation. Get American Express Travelers Cheques. Don’t leave home without them.” Johnny Carson famously had a lot of fun at the expense (and to the delight) of Karl Malden, bulbous rubber nose and all. We’ll miss you, Karl.

Credits: The original Staples photo is from Google Maps Street View. The hat is from an eBay listing. The crane is of unknown origin (from my files). That’s Karl Malden as General Omar Bradley in Patton. The Karl Malden poster image is from a publicity shot from The Streets of San Francisco. The Epilogue in the title comes from the old Quinn Martin Production shows. On each bumper back into the show (from a commercial break), viewers would see the act number. Act I, Act IV, etc. Epilogue of course was the final act and these act designations were on most if not all QM Productions.

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Posted in General, Late night TV Comedy, Parody, Tales from Hollywood, The Man from B.L.O.G. | 2 Comments »

If They Merged: Halliburton and AIG

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

if-they-merged-main

paragraph-spacer3LOS ANGELES – Today I present a new feature here on B.L.O.G., called If They Merged. It is a tribute, homage, or some may say a direct ripoff of the Late Night with Conan O’Brien regular bit-hit, If They Mated (which, as far as I have seen, has yet to premiere on the new Tonight Show. Watch for a huge response from the audience when it does make its return). Here’s how the new bit would start off:

HOST: These are difficult economic times. Everyone is under a tremendous amount of financial stress. Not only individuals, but businesses too are feeling the pinch. We here at [POPULAR LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW] are here to help, to do our part. We’ve used the vast resources of our parent company to construct a machine that scours the business landscape for likely merger candidates. We’ve been calling it the MergerTron.

SIDEKICK: Sort of a Match Dot Com, only for businesses.

fiasco-headHOST: That’s right. EXACTLY like a Match Dot Com for business. It’s also very similar to our If They Mated technology. We find the most likely partners, those that could receive the most benefit from pooling their resources, and CRASH them together with the MergerTron. Just like the graphic, which cost a whopping $5. The graphic reminds us that we tried a test merger with Fiat and Chrysler, with mixed results. Thankfully, they were able to right that ship and sail on, hopefully to calmer waters. Things are going fine with them so far.

Let’s get started. Here are some potential candidates for the new and improved MergerTron.

if-they-merged-hallib

HOST: Everyone knows the huge company, Halliburton. The large energy company, used to be headed by Dick Cheney; you know the company. Their slogan is Solutions For Today’s Energy Challenges. Well, they’re not really in any trouble, but we have another company in mind which we think would make a beneficial pairing. Sort of a win-win.

if-they-merged-aig

HOST: That’s right. Controversial insurance giant and recipient of government bailout money, AIG. Their slogan– and this is not made up (I swear): Moving Forward, Protecting Customers, Repaying Taxpayers. Really, it’s on their website. The new company? What did the MergerTron spit out?

if-they-merged-haig

HOST: Presenting the new company, HAIG. Today’s Solution For Challenging Movements. See? It really works. I’m not sure what the new slogan means, but there’s that picture from 1981 where Al Haig announces “I’m in control here” after the Reagan assassination attempt. It was the latest picture we could find. [singing:] Nothing is as funny as a 30-year-old reference.

Okay, for our next pairing, we…

Credits: The Alexander Haig photo from his “I’m in control here” press conference is from the Reagan Archives at The University of Texas. Conan picture is an NBC Photo by Paul Drinkwater.

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