LOS ANGELES – Ever wonder why laws take so long to go into effect? To mature… to gestate? After bills are voted on and approved (by local municipalities, state legislatures, propositions, or Congress), they can sometimes take months or even years to become laws. Could it be that these delays are somehow concessions to the defeated parties?
A THANK YOU NOTE
“Sorry, Americans For A Car Seat-Free Childhood, the Car Seat Safety Act (against which you lobbied so hard) was passed into law. But as a concession to you (and a hearty thank you for the check, btw), we will delay its effective date by 18 months, AND give it secondary offense status. There are a lot of laws in the Number Two Class around here. That’s really what we call it! Ha! Officers will not be permitted to pull you over–if they see kids prancing about, unrestrained, in your back seat–for that reason alone.”
Sincerely, Sen. Heywood Jablome
You can be driving along with overly-tinted windows*, you and/or your kids unrestrained**, talking or texting on your cell phone***, drinking a Big Gulp****… performing any and all manner of secondary offenses, and still the cops can’t pull you over just for those infractions alone (in many jurisdictions). Isn’t that a bit silly? To me, something is either illegal and dangerous, or it’s not. Texting while driving, as an example, doesn’t suddenly become a narcissistic, selfish, and hazardous act as one passes the posted speed limit. There is no sane reason for a secondary offense level to begin with, except as a political gesture to the “aggrieved lobby”. Aggrieved? You have got to be kidding me.
Michael Moore was one of Bill Maher’s guests on Friday, and something he said stood out. Actually, he said a lot of interesting things, but as it relates to this topic, there was this: the Baucus Bill, as it sits now, would not go into effect until 2013. 2013. Was this part written by the Health Care Lobby? The poor, aggrieved, Wall Street-run, profits before people, don’t rock the boat Health Care Lobby? Why the delay, Max? It’s like adding insult to insult. The bill with your name on it shows your desire to protect the interests of your rich and powerful health care industry friends, to the ultimate detriment of thousands of your constituents. And Max: by “ultimate detriment”, I mean “death”. I am speaking code, Max. Your code.
I am reminded of a scene from Woody Allen’s Annie Hall. “There’s an old joke – um… two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of ‘em says, ‘Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.’ The other one says, ‘Yeah, I know; and such small portions.’” [IT'S ME AGAIN, NOW FREESTYLE-PARAPHRASING]: “Well, that’s essentially how I feel about the cellphone driving law – full of holes, and flouters, and ignorance, and confusion… and it took forever to get here.” All I know is, I don’t want to feel the same way about health care reform legislation.
When the ban against hand-held cellphone use was passed here in Kaulifoorn-yah, I knew it would take effect on July 1. My fellow cyclists and I were happy that at least a watered-down law was finally going on the books here. Yes, the law was woefully inadequate as written, as everyone knows the real problem with cellphone use while driving is the mental distraction, not the physical juggling of the device itself. That’s what differentiates it from, say, grabbing a Big Gulp or an Egg McMuffin. The McMuffin doesn’t scream out: “Your BFF is on the line and she wants to talk about toenail colors! Pick me up! NOW!”, or some other seemingly irresistible enticement to morons.
July 1 approached. The only problem was that it was still 2007. The law was not to go into effect until a year later: July 1, 2008 (wah, wah). It is now 2009. I have seen so many infractions, so many flouting the law, so little change in public behavior that the new law may as well have been one prohibiting Hobbits from driving big rigs. This law does not apply to me seems to be a modus operandus of the driving-while-texting or chatting public.
* If people can’t see inside your vehicle, it presents a hazard to them (and you). Subtle negotiations in traffic requiring eye contact such as four-way stop signs, crosswalks with pedestrians, and… oh, ANYTHING IN A CAR… are impaired by heavily tinted windows. Of course, it also reduces your own ability to see safely outside your vehicle, especially at night. Heavy window tinting presents a special problem to law enforcement, for obvious reasons. If the sight of your ugly mug makes babies weep and old people faint, then perhaps a special variance should be granted to you and only you. A special license plate color would come along with the deal, of course. Whatever your least favorite color is, based on results of a scientifically-administered test of visual stimuli. It would be called the Sheriff Joe Arpaio law, after the controversial, headline-grabbing sheriff of Maricopa County, Arizona. What? That doesn’t sound right? Then go light on the tinting and grab a pair of Groucho glasses and a wig, elephant man, and suck it up. This is AMERICA, and that means that 95% of us are in the proletariat. No special treatment, unless you work for Goldman Sachs. You know the rules. After all, Groucho was a Marx.
** In 19 out of the 50 states, the seat belt law is considered a secondary offense, which means that a police officer cannot stop and ticket a driver for the sole offense of not wearing a seat belt.
*** Talking and texting on cellphones has been shown to be at least as dangerous as drunk driving. Some states are still not on board with this notion.
**** Some jurisdictions have in fact outlawed drinking anything and eating while driving.
We owe it to ourselves to have the courage of our convictions. No more concessions to powerful lobbies. When a law is passed, make it effective within 30 days. Lay the groundwork beforehand if necessary, alert the media. Grow a pair. Give it teeth. A pair of teeth. I’m dangerously mixing metaphors as usual, but you get the idea.
People long to do the right thing. 80% of drivers want some form of cell phone usage restriction. 80% want a ban on text messaging while driving. 67% are supportive of restricting phone calls while driving. We must follow-up on the enforcement end and take the muzzles off of the police. Go get ‘em. Revenues up, bad behavior down. Primary offense status, please. And a rabbit-sized gestation period, not an elephant’s.
The same goes for health care. Most people (a whopping 77% in at least one poll) and even doctors want at least a public option. We shouldn’t settle for some watered-down bill, full of half-measures toward reform. And 2013 is way too far out.
Watch this PSA on the dangers of texting while driving, produced by the Tredegar Comprehensive School and Gwent Police (Gwent is located in southeast Wales, UK). It is graphic and effective. Click on the picture/link to open a new YouTube window.
You might recall that at the time, I was able to send my Man from B.L.O.G. avatar/cybernaut back through the space-time continuum (with the help of Raytheon and Google Maps Street View) to see what I could see. What I saw turned out to be a bit of a red herring.
End-of-season specials happen in May, as well as “very special” episodes including the infamous “
When I was in junior high, I didn’t have this poster (at right), but I sat next to a guy in home room who did (it was fabulous and he wouldn’t let me forget it). This incident kick-started my hobby of scouring 
On the far left we have the Woody Allen cartoon character that appeared briefly in Annie Hall. He is much shorter than Mr. B.L.O.G., but is only slightly more neurotic.
He employs the same technique that most Americans use when communicating with foreigners: he slows his speech (and increases its volume), pronounces each consonant as hard as possible, and of course gesticulates. We find it works fine here on the island of America, so we’ll probably continue to use it. The Berlitz method. The character is no doubt based on Berlitz founder, 
The 
Lastly, I present Sherman from the 
Todd and his better half live in a nice little enclave of LA not far from my own Hair District residence. The keyword, though, is LA. Big city, USA. After filling out the police report, he can follow up with questions about any, you know, leads. 
I thought this would be a good project for my Man from B.L.O.G. He agreed to enlist his staff at the applied technologies division of B.L.O.G. Seems they’ve been working with the Intelligence and Information Systems division of Raytheon, and along with Google Maps Street View, have created some really innovative night vision time displacement technologies.
