LOS ANGELES – This post is a late night comedy show segment pitch, seen here for the first time exclusively on B.L.O.G. It is for a segment called The Which is Which? Game, and could serve as a guest introduction for a comedy figure especially, or a celebrity with a good sense of humor at least. The idea is to take a funny fact, even one that is slightly embarrassing (and perhaps has been in the public consciousness recently), create an outrageous juxtaposition with that fact as the grain of truth, then work backwards to find other related juxtapositions. Wow, it sounds complicated. No, that’s just my bamboozling writing style. Look at the pictures.

Background for this example: Artie Lange, of the Howard Stern show on Sirius/XM, has ballooned to 300 lbs. and has had a couple of weigh-ins as part of that show. He is based in New York and has been a frequent guest on both Letterman’s Late Show and Conan’s Late Night shows. He will be making appearances soon to promote the paperback version of his best selling book. The following is a sample bit of dialogue between a fictional HOST and CO-HOST to show how these graphics might play in a game/introduction. If you don’t want to read through the entire script, you should be able to follow along just from the pictures.

HOST: We have a new game tonight! A little something we like to call The Which is Which? Game. Roll it, [DIRECTOR].

GFX: ANIMATION PLAYS. ‘THE WHICH IS WHICH? GAME’ ANIMATES ON TO LIVE MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENT. BASE ANIMATION HAS ELABORATE PRODUCTION VALUE, CHYRON WIPES ON TO REVEAL THE SPECIFIC: ‘300 vs. 500‘ (SIMPLY RENDERED).

HOST: 300 vs. 500 edition. [SLOWLY]: 300… 500, [CO-HOST]. Which is which.

CO-HOST: 300 vs. 500. Which is which. Got it.

HOST: Thank you, [MUSICIANS]. In this game, we are given a set of facts and are shown two objects. We then have to decide which facts belong to which objects. Which is which. Sounds simple, eh? Boy, this could go either way. Don’t you think, [CO-HOST]? Alright, let’s give it a shot. Show us the first slide, [DIRECTOR].

SEE GRAPHIC BELOW

Ooo, it’s a shot of space. [TEXT TYPES ON TO MATCH HOST'S READ] Here are two distant galaxies. One is 300 million light years away, the other is 500 million light years away. See? 300 vs. 500. Which is which? Hmm. I have no idea. What do you think, [CO-HOST]?

CO-HOST: I don’t have a clue either.

HOST: Let’s see the answer.

SEE GRAPHIC BELOW

GFX: QUESTION TEXT WIPES OFF – LEFT GALAXY IS WIPED OFF AS RIGHT GALAXY SHRINKS DOWN IN SIZE (MOVES FARTHER AWAY FROM CAMERA – SFX: SLIDE WHISTLE). JUST AS RIGHT GALAXY SETTLES, WE SEE LEFT GALAXY RE-ENTER THE PICTURE, OBVIOUSLY CLOSER TO US THAN RIGHT GALAXY. ANSWER TEXT ANIMATES (TYPES) ON. THIS ALL HAPPENS QUICKLY.

HOST: Ah, Stephan’s Quintet is 300 million light years away. Of course, Baby Boom is 500 million light years away. Interesting, [CO-HOST]. I don’t know how funny it is, but it is interesting.

CO-HOST: I had no idea. They’re both really far away. I can’t even imagine it.

HOST: Okay, I get it now. I’m ready for the next slide, [DIRECTOR].

SEE GRAPHIC BELOW

Ah, a couple of cars, [CO-HOST]. [AS BEFORE, TEXT TYPES ON TO MATCH THE READ] These are two car models from the proposed Fiat/Chrysler alliance. You know they’re in the news now, [CO-HOST]?

CO-HOST: Seems I’ve heard something about it recently, yes. Very topical.

HOST: [CHUCKLES AT THE INANITY OF IT ALL]. One is designated the 300, the other is the 500. Which is which? Hmm. I know a little about cars. I’m gonna say the big one is the 500 and the little one is the 300. Doesn’t that make sense, [CO-HOST]?

CO-HOST: That’s the obvious choice, [HOST]. But it could be a trick.

HOST: [LAUGHS] Yes, [CO-HOST], a trick! No, I’m sticking with my answer. [DIRECTOR], show the good people that I am in the right here!

SEE GRAPHIC BELOW

GFX: CUTOUT CARS SPIN AROUND EACH OTHER (IN AN OBVIOUSLY FAKE AND CHEESY WAY – SFX: PARTY FAVOR RATCHETING NOISEMAKER) SEVERAL TIMES AND END UP EQUIDISTANT FROM THE CAMERA. ANSWER TEXT ANIMATES (TYPES) ON, (AS BEFORE) VERY QUICKLY.

HOST: Boy was I wrong! You were right, [CO-HOST]! We were tricked. The big Chrysler is actually the 300, and the diminutive Fiat is the 500! It’s apparently also called La Cinquecento. How are we supposed to know that? Is that a bonus, [CO-HOST]?

CO-HOST: [CHUCKLES] I don’t know. I just don’t know how we’re supposed to know that. Diminutive, yes. Doesn’t make any sense.

HOST: Alright. Time for the next slide. Remember, they appear to be getting trickier, so if you’re playing at home, keep that in mind!

SEE GRAPHIC BELOW

[SURPRISED CHUCKLE]. Wow, isn’t that a cute scene. Very pleasant. And isn’t that Artie Lange?

CO-HOST: Yes, that appears to be Artie Lange reclining against a polar bear. They both seem to be very comfortable.

HOST: [LAUGHS] [TEXT TYPES ON TO MATCH THE READ] These are two slumbering giants. I don’t think I want to see what happens in the next frame. Things could get ugly. One weighs 300 lbs., the other over 500. Over 500, [CO-HOST]!

CO-HOST: Well, they’re slumbering giants. What would you expect?

HOST: Which is which? They’re both – they’re both… BIG!

CO-HOST: We have been fooled before! How do we figure this one out? And look: Artie is holding a copy of his book.

HOST: Yes he is! Let’s settle this once and for all.

[CUT TO SHOT OF HOST AT DESK]

HOST: Ladies and gentlemen: his book debuted in the number one position on the New York Times Best Seller list and will be out in paperback this Tuesday, June 2.

SEE GRAPHIC BELOW

Please welcome… Artie Lange!

GFX: GRAPHIC FROM OPEN AGAIN, THIS TIME AS TALENT REVEAL TRANSITION. TITLE TYPE MOVES UP, CURTAINS PART AND MOVE OUT TO REVEAL LIVE SHOT OF ARTIE LANGE WALKING OUT TO HIS THEME SONG. HE IS WALKING ALONGSIDE A MAN IN A POLAR BEAR COSTUME. THE BEAR SHOWS HIM TO HIS SEAT, THEN LEAVES.

HOST: ARTIE LANGE, everybody!