SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PACIFIC – As promised in yesterday’s teaser promo, I have in fact sent my Man from B.L.O.G. Avatar/Cybernaut to – drum roll, please – The Great Pacific Garbage Patch! Yes, that’s right. In honor of Earth Day, today, April 22, I have sent our man to the largest single collection of garbage on earth. It would be known as the world’s largest landfill, but of course it is at sea. And seafill does not yet exist as a word. It is roughly the size of and (one could conclude from the graphic above) the same shape as the state of Texas – maybe even twice the size!
And speaking of Texas, if we could get a shot of them, there are a number of George W. Bush-related artifacts in the flotsam and jetsam. Can we get the shot? Breaking… we have a picture being transmitted right now… wait, it’s not GWB, but Sarah Palin (sorry about the bit of picture break-up):
There appears to be an entire section of Sarah Palin life-size photo standees that apparently found their way to the GPGP from cancelled November Republican victory parties across the nation. Wow, they got here quickly. They apparently travelled in a super-efficient school, like a group of fish, or more like a bicycle team time trial paceline. And just beyond I can see there are some McCain and a few George W. Bush stragglers too. Some of them appear to be pairing off just like socks in an over-loaded washing machine.
I can see from the live video feed that we are moving on now. Wish I could show this to you as part of my presentation today, but my IT department have each taken one of their green days in order to collect money from people to fund their bike vacation – I mean of course, their charity bike ride!
Wait a minute. What are those objects bobbing in the distance? Looks like… could they be? Yes, folks, you are not going to believe this. Transmitting…
That’s right! It’s an area full of dead blogs! I was wondering where those went. Poor things. There’s one that lasted only one week! And the first post looked so hopeful. Man, I hope the same fate doesn’t befall this very B.L.O.G. Of course, if you’re reading this in 2010 and it appears to be my latest entry, well then I guess the hand of fate has reached down (or up) and squashed me like a bug on a windshield.
I see the trash-breaking ship ahead of our primary research vessel is clearing a new path now.
I can just make out a Today Show banner on a boat across the expanse of milk jugs and bleach bottles. There’s a bald man doing a stand-up on the bow of the boat. Too bald to be Matt Lauer. Now someone is saying on the comm that it’s not Lauer. For a minute I thought Matt was here doing one of his “where in the world” shows, muscling in on our turf, er, I mean surf. We’re picking up some cross-chatter from their wireless mics now… it’s CNBC personality Jim Kramer doing a cross-network branded remote piece… he was told the head of Bernie Madoff had been spotted at this location… turns out it was an old Circuit City Dollar Days banner with just the George Washington part showing. Kramer is now throwing one of his tantrums.
Someone is yelling frantically now… “They’re coming! They’re coming! Look!” All eyes are looking toward the southwest. Our camera is panning around. Somali pirates! How could… You’d better get out of there! What? False alarm! They’re just another school of Sarah Palin standees arriving.
END TRANSMISSION
